For My King(First Drafted in the Fall of 1989 and revised in 1990)
I wrote this essay the fall of my freshman year at Spelman. It was inspired after a reading the essay at the end of Eldridge Cleaver’s Soul on Ice, “To All Black Women from All Black Men,” which I thought was very powerful. I think the first guy that I genuinely loved in my life, faithfully, though inwardly, from ages 14-19, definitely shaped the earliest vision of love in my life and the struggles of and hopes for black masculinity that are described in this essay. It embodies the promises I made to myself as a teen and the standards I set for my life, integrity that has also been important to me as a woman from a Christian standpoint. For years, I hoped to give it to my husband on the morning of my wedding. Now, I don’t think so. I’m not such a romantic anymore. By senior year, a few close friends and I referred to ourselves as “The Radicals,” and firmly believed that there were three types of people, Radicals like us, “Commoners”(the exact opposite), and people “Suspended in the Middle.” It was our way of attempting to make sense of how and why we were such committed leaders and achievers and some were not. This piece shows vestiges of that outlook as well. I had been profoundly influenced by Robert Bolt’s play “A Man for All Seasons” as a high school senior and impressed by the idea of someone having integrity and conviction so deep they were willing to die for their beliefs. This is the standard I set for my own life as a woman and saw Malcolm X as an ultimate example. Some of that is in here as well. By college, I vowed that I would not date a man who was not “a man for all seasons,” and let it be known that that was the only kind of man I would ever consider marrying. This became well known, especially after I read a poem with that title in college at a sorority poetry reading. Often, friends have said that people who ask about me always ask two questions. They want to know if I am still a poet, and if I ever met my man for all seasons. I also tended to separate myself into these distinct compartments, emotional and logical, and the me who was empathetic and the me who was rational and assertive. In general, the essay reflects the firm decisions that I made about my sexuality and values in high school and only reinforced in college. As a Spelman freshman, I remember vowing of my virginity that "I will not be leaving it over at Morehouse.” By then, I had firmly established the fundamental standards, values and goals for my life and vowed never to compromise them with sexual intercourse outside of marriage.
For My King
My King, I greet you-finally! For so long, I’ve awaited this moment. Certainly, this is the happiest day of my life. I love you so completely, and I am fortified to know that you love me, too. Now, our love can guide us and bind us together until the end of time. I value this moment so much because getting here has been rather difficult-even painful and distressing. For you, my King, I know that the journey was a daily struggle-a struggle against the negative forces in your life, and a struggle against yourself. Even today, they are lashing you across your beautiful, black back. Your essence has been suppressed because society wouldn’t realize it, refusing to foster the development of it; and because you were afraid to realize it. You were afraid to be somebody, to be radical, to love yourself, to be a true man for all seasons.
I’ve loved you for so long, and I’ve longed for you to embrace yourself. In a way, my reason was selfish, for I knew that it was only when you embraced yourself that you could finally embrace me. I’ve always wanted to hold you. I can’t believe that my dream of being with you has materialized today.
I’m so overwhelmed right now. I’ve known you for such a long time, but we just met. I’ve seen the pain in your beautiful brown eyes. My King, every time that you cried, and every time that you hurt, I hurt, too. Yes, every time that you hurt yourself by not respecting yourself or by not respecting our brothers and sisters, sons and daughters of Africa, you hurt me. Every time that you drank, and every time that you committed fornication, you intoxicated me, ravishing me with the cross of hopelessness. Nevertheless, I stood by you, unwilling to believe that you were going to be anything less than a bona fide man. I always knew that when you extracted your essence, the man from within, you would become my King and I your Queen.
I’ve always believed in you, and my confidence in you will remain absolute. Now, I see that you finally believe in yourself-that you finally have become yourself-the Radical-the man-a man for all seasons. Now, the only cup that you drink from is the cup of knowledge. Your mind is finally pure, you love yourself, and you are whole. Now, I can tell you that because you are finally whole, I will love you all the days of my life.
My King, my man, my radical man for all seasons, I surrender myself to you as a whole woman. Becoming a woman hasn’t been easy. I’ve been alone for a long time because I didn’t have you in my life. I could only trust God and pray for strength to endure the lonely times. I could only trust God and pray that I would achieve this state of wholeness on my own so that I would be ready for you when the time was right. I sometimes doubted that I would ever reach this point. I doubted that my dream of becoming a whole woman would come true. Today, my King, I have all that I have ever wanted. I’ve found myself, you’ve found yourself, and at last!!! we’ve found each other. I am so happy today. They told me repeatedly that you were unworthy of my love. They wouldn’t let you love yourself! I’ve come to terms with what it takes to be a true woman-a woman for all seasons. I know what it takes to be a woman for all seasons for you. For so long, they wouldn’t let you love me. But because of Destiny, because of the loving Lord, no one will ever come between us again. Here, I promise that I will honor, respect, trust and love you as long as there is breath in my body.
The emotional me loves you; and more importantly, the logical me loves you. Now that you are in my heart and mind, I want to give you all of me. I want to show you that I do indeed love you completely. I’ve waited and I’ve wanted for such a long time to be with you. Tonight, my King, because you are my best friend in a way that no one else could ever be, I want to share with you the special, pure part of me that I’ve always kept for you alone. Tonight, I want you to explore my physical essence. Tonight, I will finally surrender myself to you completely.
When we bring forth our posterity, my King, let us teach those beautiful beings to love themselves, to respect themselves, and to reach their human potential as real men and real women. I know that you will be exemplary for our children. I truly trust you to guide our sons when they need advice from a male perspective. I know that we will encourage them together to strive to be whole men. I promise you that I will be exemplary for our children, too, especially for our daughters. I am so honored that you have chosen me-me!-to build a legacy with you.
My King, I am grateful for every friend and for every experience that has guided me to you. I thank Destiny for guiding me to you, and I am grateful to know that God is such an important part of our lives.
My King, I am truly blessed and honored to have you in my life. It’s a paradox, for even though I’m finally whole, without you, my life would never be as complete. I would be nothing without you. Today, I can tell you that I love you completely because I love you more than my life-my precious life. I can honestly say that I love you now-and that I always will.
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